Saturday, June 17, 2006
This is how a kid explains sex...
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age
he had a few questions that heeded some answers. He had been
hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took a question to his mother, who became
rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she
told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he
turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and
hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because
her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too,
because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart beat.
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of
them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under
her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the
This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because
sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them
A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of
his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed
it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big,
and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and
stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen, I should
tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway,
Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head
off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held
it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock
on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to
kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides
were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but
they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and
kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved 25 miles away and are safe now.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with him for his new house so he would not have to change his address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Beppo Singh fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Genda Singh, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S : Lotta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already posted off this letter.
Friday, February 17, 2006
We always hear girls droning about us Guys. NOW Finally, the guys side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view...
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only IF you want help solving it. That's what
1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear IS
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
What! What did you say?
Yes, yes...I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that? It's like camping. : P
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Dear ITech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Super 12 Version 5.0, Tri-Nations 3.0, Limited Overs 7.2 and especially Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail as it generates a corrupted file Abuse 7.0.
What can I do?
*************** Reply Separator *****************
Firstly, bear in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please visit: "http://I <> Thought You Loved Me.htm/" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1vb.
Beer 6.1vb is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta . Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
'Try not to lie, but if you do, do it as well as the priest."
The Priest Who Could Not Lie.
A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"
"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."
Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to
ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"
The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !''
shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
Friday, January 20, 2006
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up
with an idea. I called Arsehole #1.
"Yeah you're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
Expecting life 2 treat u well because u r a good person is like
expecting an angry bull not to charge at u because u r a vegetarian.